How is my book so far?

I wrote a book, a remake of Stephenie Meyer%26#039;s %26quot;Twilight%26quot; for a website called fanfiction.net. I would like some views on how I am doing. Please read.





Chapter 1:





This was it. My last day in Arizona. How could I actually be leaving? My mother, Renee, had decided that I go live with my father, Charlie, and my older brother, Jasper, in Washington. She was remarried to Phil, my new step-father. I didn’t care much for Phil; he was average looking, average height, average IQ. Altogether, average. But he made my mother feel happy, so I didn’t fuss when they decided to get married. They were moving to Florida, and I didn’t want to barge in on there newly-wed stage, so I decided not to go with them. Renee was persistent with the idea of Phil adopting me, becoming my legal father and me moving to Florida with them. When I refused, saying that they should spend their honeymoon without the hassle of me being around, she decided to send me to Forks.





I had no problem with my father; we just weren’t that close. I hadn’t seen him in awhile and the idea of moving wasn’t too tempting for me. But, after Renee thought of this solution, I didn’t want to be an even bigger bother for my mother, so I decided to go along with it. It was determined that I would go to Washington this summer, so that I could start school at the beginning of the year and not miss anything that could possibly be important.





On the plane, I thought about what life would be like now that I was leaving all of my friends and my mother. I knew I would have trouble the first day of school. I hated being the center of attention, and being the new girl in town, that was bound to happen. I sighed. If it made Renee happy, why shouldn’t I go? Not everything was about me. The only thing in this situation that mattered was my mother, right? I didn’t know. I decided I would give this situation a shot, and if it didn’t work, it didn’t work. I could fly to Florida and live in the new house with Renee and Phil. Phil could adopt me and we could all be happy. Well, maybe not me, but if they were happy, it was worth it.





When the plane landed, I slowly left my seat. I was one of the last people off the plane. I dragged my feet to the baggage claim. When I looked up, I felt my mouth drop open in shock. Jasper and Charlie were standing with a sign that read, “Welcome Home, Bella!” So what? That was normal, right? Sure. But the huge mass of people around them was definitely not normal. Who were these people? Why were they here? I doubted I even knew half of them. I smiled and waved. When I reached the mob of unfamiliar people, I was immediately swept up into a huge hug by one of the few faces that I recognized in the crowd: Emmett.





“Bella! How’s it going? It’s been, like, forever since I’ve seen you!”





“Can’t. Breathe!” I said, struggling for air.





“Oh, sorry,” he said, taking a step back. “I’m just so happy to see you!”





I gasped as he pulled me into another big bear-hug. “Emmett! Get off! Everyone else wants to see me, too, you know!”





He stepped back again and smiled.





“Howdy, kiddo!” Charlie said, coming to hug me with much less force than Emmett.





“Hi Dad.” I didn’t realize until just now that I did know the people in the crowd. Alice, Carlisle, Rosalie, Esme, and Edward. The people who had been like my second family when I would visit Forks.





I jumped as I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around and stared into gold. “Hi Jasper!” I said, hugging him, too.





He grinned and chuckled. “Hey Bella. Man, have you gotten big! What, have you grown, like, a foot?”





“It hasn’t been that long since I’ve seen you, Jasper. Only about a year.” I couldn’t help but grin at my brother.





“Bella!” Alice screeched, running the six feet that separated us.





I laughed. “Alice, you haven’t changed a bit!” I said, hugging her. I was doing more hugging than I had ever done in my whole life!





She smiled. “So, how have you been? I’ve missed you so much! We have so much to talk about! How is Renee? And Phil? Did they find a new house, yet?” She asked, talking a mile a minute.





“Alice! Stop! You’re giving me a headache. Share me with the others!” I said, sounding just like I did when I was six and I used to visit.





She sighed. “Ok. But we are going to talk later.” She smiled at the end and I knew automatically that I was not going to get much sleep tonight.





I turned from Alice and stepped forward to hug Esme and give her a peck on the cheek. I did the same to Carlisle, and Rosalie. Then I came to Edward. He and I hadn’t ever been that close, but for some reason, every time I got close to him, I felt something like an electric current pulling me towards him. I hesitantly stepped forward to give him a hug, too. I didn’t want anyone to pick up on my feelings.





“H-hi Edward.” I said, stuttering a bit when I first tried to talk.





“Hello Bella.” His voice seemed strained. His eyes also seemed darker than the warm gold I remembered. I had always wondered why all the Cullen’s had had gold eyes, along with my brother. Contacts? I didn’t think so. They looked too flawless to be contacts. Why would they all wear contacts, if they were?





I stepped back from Edward and made my way back to the center of the loose circle that my friends had formed.





“It’s really nice to see you all. Thanks for coming to meet me here.” I smiled a halfhearted smile towards the end. Why were they all being so quiet? Except for Alice, not one of them had said anything other than their greeting.





Alice came up from behind me and grabbed my arm. “Okay. Charlie? Can Bella ride with me in my car? I still want to talk to her about Phoenix.” I grimaced.





Charlie ignored me. “Sure, sure.” He obviously didn’t have much to say to me and he’d never been too good at filling silences.





“Yay!” Alice squealed. “We have so much to talk about! Come on, Bella!” She pulled me away to her car.





We rode with Rosalie, Esme, and Edward. I was a little uncomfortable with Edward being with us, but not so much as to say anything. Alice quizzed me on absolutely everything about Phoenix. My friends, my house and how it had changed, the weather, Renee, Phil, my new, well old now, high school, movies I’d seen since I’d last talked to her, and the music I listened to. I answered all of her questions as quickly as I could; she talked really fast! I missed about half of the things that she said. Rosalie and Esme said little except for when they had a question of their own. Edward was very still, pushed as far away from me as possible, crammed up against the door. I wondered what I had done to make him cringe away from me like that. Edward had never been close with me, just there in the background. I didn’t use to notice it as much as now, but it offended me. What did I do that was so horrible to him? Nothing. Nothing at all.





I sighed. “Okay, Alice. I’ve told you everything. Time to take me home. We can talk more tomorrow.”





“Okay.” Alice looked reluctant to drive down the long street to my house, but she did.





“Bye everyone! It was really nice to see you all again.” I said as we pulled up into my driveway.





“Goodbye, Bella.” Esme said, sounding distracted. She was staring at Edward.





I walked inside and went into the kitchen to get a snack. I settled for a granola bar and walked up to my room to unpack. My suitcases were on the small bed in the corner. Everything looked exactly the same as I left it, just more dust. I laid all my stuff on my bed and sorted it into piles: pajamas, shirts, pants, dresses, skirts, and shoes. Then I put them away in my closet and dresser. I glanced at the clock on my wall. Only 7:30. I had at least an hour before an expectable bed time. I went downstairs to look for Jasper.





I found him in the living room watching the TV. The sound was barely on; it could’ve been on mute, but Jasper seemed intent on what the newscaster was saying.





“Hey Jasper. What’s up?” I said.





He turned his head toward me just a fraction of an inch. “Watching the news. There’s been a major oil spill just outside of eastern Alaska. They’re working on cleaning it up, but it doesn’t look too good for the penguins.” He chuckled and turned his head fully towards me. His eyes seemed darker than they were at the airport.





“Did you get new contacts?” I asked.





“What?” He seemed confused.





“Your eyes. There darker than earlier.”





“Oh, um, yeah. Contacts…” He stood up and went to the phone.





“Who are you calling?” I was still curious about his ‘contacts’, but his movement to the phone distracted me.





“I’m calling Edward and Emmett. I want to go hiking.” He seemed cautious when he answered.





“Hiking? At 7:30? I don’t think so.” He was lying. I could tell.





He turned and smiled at me while he punched in the numbers on the phone. “Since when do you come here and tell me what I can and cannot do?”





“Since now.” I replied.





“Whatever you say, your Highness.” He said, sarcasms thick in his voice.





I couldn’t help but think how Jasper and I were so different. My parents had adopted him a few years before I was born. He’d been my older brother to everyone around us except for the people who knew us better, were closer to us. They knew he was adopted and nothing more: except the Cullen’s. They knew the whole story, probably even more than I knew. Jasper was like one of the family with them. He’d never fit in with Charlie and Renee and I. He didn’t eat with us whenever we would have dinner. He was always wandering out into the forest late at night and never telling us when he would be back. He would skip school on the rare, nice day that the sun actually came out. He’s part of the reason that Renee left Charlie. He was a strain on their relationship, what with them always having something going on with him. When the tried to take him to the doctor to see if there was something wrong with his disinterest in food, he refused to see anyone but Dr. Cullen. Even then, my parents weren’t allowed to sit in on the exam.





Jasper’s voice snapped me out of my focus. “BELLA! Jezze, listen now and again, why don’t ‘ya? Alice wants to know if you’d like to spend the night at their house tonight.”





I thought about that for a minute, and while I was busy deciding, Jasper made the choice for me.





“Yeah, she’ll be there. 15 minutes? Okay. See you then. ‘Bye.” He hung up the phone on the receiver. “Alice is coming to pick you up in 15 minutes. Go get your stuff.” He ordered.





I scowled. “How do you know I want to go to Alice’s? Huh?”





“Your going, okay? Now go and get your clothes.”





I sighed in defeat. Good old Jasper, always ordering me around. “Uhg! Fine…” I walked up to my room to get my stuff.





I packed my extra comfy Superman pajamas and threw them in a duffle bag along with my Superman slippers. They were the only pair of pajamas I had that matched so I decided that I would wear them. I walked downstairs and met Jasper at the bottom of the steps.





“Does Charlie know I’m going to Alice’s?” I asked.


“Yes. I called him after you went upstairs.”





I yawned. “I hope she doesn’t expect me to stay up too late. I’m beat.” I yawned again just to make my point.





He laughed and ruffled my hair. “She won’t, I promise.” He laughed again.





Just then, a horn honked impatiently outside.





“That must be Alice.” Jasper murmured.





“Whoopee.” I said sarcastically.





I grabbed my duffle bag from the ground and trudged out the door. I was raining. Great. I walked back inside to get my raincoat from my suitcase. When I was almost down the steps, I lost my balance and slipped. I landed with a hard thud on the bottom step. The pain brought tears to my eyes. Why did I always have to be such a klutz? I slowly got to my feet and limped to the front door. I locked the deadbolt with the key from under the eve and went to join Alice in her Porsche.





“Hi Alice.” I greeted her. Something was definitely wrong. Alice didn’t respond; she had a distant look on her face and her eyes were glazed over. “Alice! What’s wrong?!” The panic started to seep through my composed voice.





Her eyes refocused on my face and she smiled halfheartedly. “Hi Bella. When did you get here?” She asked, sounded confused.





“Just a minute ago. What was wrong? Did you just have a seizure or something?” Alice had been diagnosed by Carlisle as to being prone to have seizures. That explained her distant gaze and unfocused eyes.


“What? Oh, uh…” She paused.





“Alice? It’s okay. You can tell me.” I was curious as to why she was hesitant to answer my question.





“I know. I wonder if that’ll upset him…” I was sure she didn’t mean for me to hear the last part. I couldn’t help but wonder who she was talking about.





“Upset who?”





“What? Did I say that out loud?”





“Uh, yeah. Who would it upset if you told me what happened, Alice?”





She sighed. “Your more observant than I remembered. Fine. I thought it would upset Edward. But since you heard me say that, you not gonna’ drop it until I tell you are you?”





I nodded.





She sighed again. “This is going to sound really stupid, but it’s true. I can sorta’, sometimes, see the future.” She took in my calm expression and continued. “Never anything more than just glimpses. Don’t worry. I just saw you fall down some steps. Sorry I didn’t get inside quick enough to stop you from tripping.” She smirked and I scowled.





“Gee, thanks Alice.” I said sourly. “And since when have you been able to do this?”





“Since as far back as I can remember. Carlisle says that it’s a sort of power that I was born with.” She tapped her temple.





“Huh. I wouldn’t have guessed that.” I shook my head.





She laughed. “Not many people have seen me when I’m having a vision. Strange that I would have one of you; I haven’t seen you in my visions for over a year.” She turned to me. “I guess it’s because your close by.”





“Yeah, that makes so much more sense now. Thanks Alice.” I replied sourly.





She smirked at me and sped of towards her house.





“So, um, I have a question about that whole seeing the future thing, Alice.” I said after a moment of silence.





She paused, debating with herself if whether or not she should answer. “Okay, but just one.” She said.





How was I going to say this? Uagh!! “Uh, um, I was, uh, wondering why it would, um, upset Edward if you told me that you could, well, see the future.”





This caught her off guard. “I don’t t-think that he’d like if I told you that.” Nervous now, she sped up even faster so that all the trees were just a blur as we raced past them.





“Alice!” I whined. “C’mon! I won’t tell anyone.”





“Like that would keep anything from him.” She muttered under her breath. “Well, Edward kinda’ doesn’t want you to know that we Cullen’s are, uh...special.”





I was confused. “Why wouldn’t he want me to know? Did he think it would scare me if I knew you could see the future? Plenty of people are psychic.” I pointed out.


She sighed a short, frustrated sigh. “It’s not just me that has special talents. Do you know who your parents adopted Jasper from?” She asked, changing the conversation to an unexpected course.





“No.” I’d never really cared enough to ask Charlie or Renee.





“Do you know Jasper’s old last name?”





“No.”





She turned to me. “Cullen.” She whispered.





I heard my quick intake of breath as I put two and two together. The gold eyes, the physical resemblance, all the time they spent together camping and other family bonding type of activities, how Jasper referred to Esme as ‘Mom’ and Carlisle as ‘Dad’. I always thought that he just accepted them as his second parents, since he spent so much time at their home, and since it was easier than saying ‘Mr. and Mrs. Cullen’. “Alice, I-I, I don’t u-understand.”





“Bella, Jasper is my brother.” She looked at me warily.





I could almost hear everything click together inside my head. “It all makes sense…” And then everything was black.

How is my book so far?
i think it%26#039;s awesome! ur a really talented writer! w2g!
Reply:I couldn%26#039;t get past the first paragraph.
Reply:That is not a book, it is a story.


It%26#039;s fanfiction. You could never get that published since it%26#039;s copyrighted material..





You have a lot of grammar errors and some bad sentence structures.


Keep working on your fanfiction!
Reply:In The First paragraph there is too much info on characters like you had to introduce everyone in five seconds. It%26#039;s alittle overwelming.
Reply:i thought it was ok but...............ok im really obsessed with the twilight series and your version is creative but it just bugs me because my mind is so set on the real version-ive read twilight about 6 times-that in the back of my head its going wrong! thats wrong! but any ways it is very good and i want to read the rest! were can i read it?



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